Night 1:

I identify in my misery. I enjoy thinking about all the boys that never loved me. All the major roles in plays I didn’t acquire. All the meets I never won. The rumors that spread about me. The snickering, the judging, the invites I received for being the only black girl. It’s the anguish, the heartache that defines me. What am I without it?! Who am I without it?! What do I cling too If I am not suffering or powering through self-loathing? What reason will I have to avoid a truly loving relationship? What will my soul do if it is not consistently trying to build me up from the depths of my self-inflicted despair? If all I’ve chosen to know is unhappiness, I simply wouldn’t know what to do without it.

If I let myself be happy…what is there to combat? How will I escape the impermeable grasp of contentment? Where would I get my dose of drama? The live-action? Won’t I be bored?

They say that knowing that nothing lasts should bring solace to your life. Being comfortable with change, with uncertainty, will bring you peace.

Maybe I can’t handle peace. Maybe peace isn’t in my DNA. Maybe I’ve been bred into a history of heartache, single motherhood, and searching for a love that could’ve been? With each generation, the family line is supposed to improve, lessen the family curses that strangle our linage. But I….maybe I am not the one to break it.

Grandma says I’ll get this life right. Grandma says this time, I’ll do some good. But grandma I don’t know that I will. Tonight I feel weak. Tonight I feel smothered. All I want is to drink away my sorrows on a Tuesday night… Tonight Grandma I’m sorry.

I guess the good thing about these 24 hours we call a day is, when the sun rises, the clock resets, and we get to try again. One thing this line of blood has taught me is that we never give up. We never stop trying. We never stop searching for love or stop loving ourselves. We don’t stay down. So, grandma, I promise, I’ll try again tomorrow.

Goodnight

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Day 2:

I’d be lying if I said I woke up refreshed, lively and optimistic about the day. I instead snoozed my alarm three times and struggled to lift the boulders off my eyelids at 8 am. I threw my hair in a bun and thought to myself in a less than enthusiastic manner, “If the sun is up I’m up.”

I dragged myself out of bed and despite the continued confusion rummaging in my belly, I had a productive morning. As the sun began to make its way to the arc of the sky I still felt the rocks in my eyes and unease in my spirit. What IS true of last nights’ writing Is that I am up. I am trying today.

I think that’s okay. That’s all I can ask of myself. Every day, just get up and try.

I went to the park this morning and sat in the grass. The sun prickled my skin and the grass, wet with dew, kissed my thighs. For a while, I just breathed. Fed my soul the light and air it was aching for. Slowly I spoke love. I spoke joy and peace. I spoke understanding and empathy for myself. I prayed. I asked God to guide my steps. I asked God for strength and I told God that I am here. I am listening. I begged God to tell me what to do. Then I gave thanks.

I opened my eyes to the green of the grass and the brightness of the day. As I was contemplating what I’d do next with my time a very small bee hovered in front of eyes. It was so close I had to close one eye so I wouldn’t go cross-eyed trying to look at it. The bee landed on the rim of my glasses and we sat. Staring at it through my left eye, I waited. It flew again, floating just in front of my lenses. Then it flew away.

God is ever-present. In the light, in the breeze, and the tiny bumblebees. Though I still do not feel perfect, I am encouraged.

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Day 3:

One of the most detrimental things you can do to your spirit is to pretend you don’t have feelings. Pretend that negative thoughts or emotions do not arise within you. To stifle or push down your emotions is to stifle yourself. Experiencing all sides of you is a part of life’s journey. It’s a part of life’s GROWTH.

I do not pretend to have it all together. Even in my joy, I accept sadness. I allow all my thoughts to express themselves while knowing that they are just that, thoughts. Nothing more. Even in those moments, I recognize that this isn’t truly me, I don’t actually feel this way. Which is why I am so comfortable in allowing myself to feel it fully. It is important for me to be able to express all aspects of me. How can I truly know myself if I don’t know where my demons lay

Your thoughts do not define you. Thoughts, like emotions, are fickle creatures. They come and go as they please and in order to better control them, you have to know why they’ve come in the first place. Explore your mind. Understand yourself by asking the hard questions and not fleeing from the answers.

I hope you are encouraged by the process.

Tori F Baby

#LiveHappii