*DISCLAIMER* I am not a doctor! Do not try to imitate this without consulting a doctor or health care professional. I did not do this for any performance or sport-related gain. Your experience may not come to the same result as mine so do your research
I can’t believe I’m doing this. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about go read Fasting Pt. 1) I want to say younger me would be so proud, but she wouldn’t. She’d think I’ve fallen off the deep end. Gone to the loony bin. Lost my marbles. Never have I ever skipped a meal, or even a snack. Alas, here I am. Going on three days into a fast of ZERO food. Not even a lick of a popsicle in this Chicago heat.
But even if past Tori does think I’m crazy, me, here, now, is quite proud of myself. I don’t know if I can explain all the emotion and thought that I’ve been through these last days, but I suppose it is my job as a writer to try.
It has been an eye-opening, spiritual experience to say the least. On day 1, the morning was a little difficult because of course, my body expects to eat. But I realized quickly the power my mind has over my body. Which I should have already known being a professional athlete. Times when I didn’t quite feel like practicing or if jump days weren’t going as I pleased. I have to convince my body that I have the same power I always do, the same strength I always have, and that it is the will that allows me to tap into it.
I told my stomach, “You’ll be okay. You’ll stop growling soon.” And it did, at least for a few hours. And every time it wanted to remind we hadn’t eaten, I reminded it that it would be ok. And it stopped every time.
When you don’t spend time thinking about eating, or what you will eat, or the act of eating itself, it leaves you with a lot of time to think. I used this time to meditate and to think while laying in my underpants in my mother’s backyard. Which I must say was wonderful. Breathing felt fuller like my lungs had an infinite amount of room to expand. The extra oxygen made me a little light-headed, similar to hyperventilating. But I didn’t stop. Laying on my back with my eyes closed I felt like a cloud, light and airy. Like the grass and I were floating in the wind. And when I lifted my feet into the warmth of the sun they danced as if tap dancing on its rays.
By the end of day 1, I felt surprisingly energized. As I was preparing to fast I had this image of myself sprawled out, cursing, with agonizing pain in my abdomen from hunger, but that wasn’t the case at all. I was excited about going into day 2.
On Day 2 I avoided all images of food on social media and skipped over any lines describing a delicious meal in the book I’m reading. Midway through the day, I decided to bath, with the intention of soaking away who I was. After the bubbles had started to fade and the Epsom salt melted away, I scrubbed myself clean with a loofah. As I went from my feet to my legs I scrubbed away abuse. I scrubbed my thighs, removing all shame. I scrubbed at my chest, eliminating the dead cells of heartbreak and heartache. I brushed at my neck, scraping away the residue of tears.
Then I sat. I sat in the water of my regrets, my shame, my unworthiness.
I sat surrounded by it all, and I closed my eyes and meditated. I told myself, “Let it go.” With tears, I let it all go.
Now that’s what I call spiritual cleansing.
The rest of the day went into exploring more of those triggers and doing some yoga.
I’m digging deep guys! And to be honest, it’s not nearly as scary as we think. I just hope this inspires someone to do the same. (safely)
I love you. And thank you for joining me on this journey.
With All the Love I am
Tori F. Baby
#livehappii