A lot is going on right now. I’m not going to say I expected the World to just get its act together at the stroke of midnight on December 31st, but I must admit I was hoping for a better start to the year. On January 1st I found out a friend of mine from high school was killed in a car accident. It took a couple of days for the grief to sink in, and the gloom of winter fit my inner despair. Then a few days later the capitol was attacked by terrorists.

From France, all I can do is catch bits and pieces on social media, yet I am the spokesperson of America to my French teammates. It’s difficult to explain the madness of my country to them. To answer questions like, why are these people so angry? What led them to attack their own capitol in the name of patriotism? As we all know it’s rooted much deeper than just Trump or an election.

I noticed myself starting to go numb to it. To feel nothing about their actions, to keep swiping when I see violence. I don’t want to feel nothing, but I don’t want to be in a continuous state of anger and sadness either. I want to feel love. I know, I know, sounds gross and corny and like a sap-hat. But, that’s what we all want at the end of the day. I am human, and often times our feelings don’t always do what our minds tell it to.

With winter, and the unceasing state of the world, anxiety and depression increase, people tend to seclude themself or focus solely on their misery when a solution is to think of someone else.

Like many, I spent my birthday (in October) and Christmas alone. Two holidays (yes my birthday is a holiday) when I really enjoy being with my friends or my family. But instead of focusing on “woe-is-me”, I turned it around to others. I tried to show love to everyone around me and everyone I love. Every time I received a text, call, or DM, from someone wishing me a happy birthday, I replied with something I really enjoyed about them. Whether it be their smile, how much they make me laugh, or how inspired I am by their journey. Their response of joy brought both joy and love to me. I genuinely felt happy to have made them blush or feel loved. And because of that, my birthday was amazing.

For Christmas, I took to the streets of Paris photographing anything I deemed beautiful. A steel fence, a view of the city, graffiti, the Eiffel tower, and I shared these on my Instagram story with the hope that someone who was alone could appreciate something as small and simple as a photo and be lifted just a little.

I say all this to say, there’s a lot going on right now. In the world, in our countries, in our own personal lives, and it’s easy to let these things dictate our mood or happiness. Life is entirely too short for all that. I think if we changed our focus, if we widened our lens just a bit more, we could see the beauty in the world and we could send the love we wish to feel, out into the world and I don’t know, just make it better.

With All the Love I Am,

A Sap-Hat

Aka Tori F. Baby